


you were beautiful when i loved you, you were beautiful when i lost you.

by StudentOfEtherium



Series: Femslash February 2021 [28]
Category: Magia Record: Puella Magi Madoka Magica Side Story, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Break Up, F/F, Femslash February, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, POV First Person, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:33:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29751378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StudentOfEtherium/pseuds/StudentOfEtherium
Summary: Rika reflects on her wish.Day twenty-eight - perfect
Relationships: Rika/Rika's Unnamed First Girlfriend
Series: Femslash February 2021 [28]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137899
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	you were beautiful when i loved you, you were beautiful when i lost you.

**Author's Note:**

> title comes from the hsiu (formally maedesalt) album of the same name

You were perfect for me. You were everything I could have wished for and more. The second I met you, I knew you were the girl of my dreams. No one could ever compare. It was revelatory. You taught me things about myself I might not have otherwise learned. But… you would never love me the way I loved you. I always knew that.

So I wished and I prayed and I hope, every day and night, for something, anything, to happen and change these circumstances. Give you the same revelation I had, or make me normal. Let me fall out of love or let me fall in love with another. I ran through every option, everything I could think of that would make the pain hurt less. None worked, until…

It showed up.

It promised me it could grant me any wish before it even knew me. Offered a contract in exchange for anything I could have wanted. I truly believe that there is no one else who could have been better suited for this at the very moment in time. My destiny became clear, and it was my destiny and my destiny alone.

So of course I accepted the contract.

I didn't hesitate.

Why would I?

The next day, you broke up with your boyfriend. I still didn't believe the night before, having written it off as a hallucination brought upon by my grief ridden mind. There was no way something so blessed, so lucky could happen to me. I had been granted a wish, but I didn't believe it. Even watching the breakup, done in the open with no ambiguity, I hurt. You were alone again, but you still weren't for me. You would never be for me.

So imagine my surprise when that very day, not more than a few hours later after school, you came up to me. ‘Oh Rika, you're so pretty’ ‘Oh Rika, you were always the one I loved, but I didn't know how to handle it’ ‘Oh Rika, I don't know how I can live another moment without you.’ ‘Oh Rika, be my girlfriend.’ I accepted without a second thought.

You were popular and new spread immediately. Such a pretty girl, chasing a girl like me? Unfathomable. No such thing could ever happen. It would take a miracle. But a miracle I had obtained. I didn't know the cost, but I told myself over and over again, it would be worth it.

That night, I fought my first witch. I was lucky enough that a more experienced magical girl was in the area at the time. I got by fine. I knew I would be fine. I was fighting for love, the most powerful thing.

The next day, our relationship began proper. Walking to school together, eating lunch as a couple, sneaking kisses between classes; everything I wanted out of it. Nothing more and nothing less. If I had known better, that would have been the first sign of the ill to come. Unfortunately, I knew none the better in that moment, and instead I enjoyed every last moment of it. This would last forever. Right?

The first days of the relationship became the first week, then two, and then a month. I was still living in a bliss unlike any other. Spending my nights with the other local magical girls fighting witches was still worth it. Even after my first scare with my soul gem becoming tainted and needed the assistance of a newfound friend to cleanse it, I saw no problems. All worth it for love.

One month became two, and then three. Summer break happened and we could spend more time together than ever. But cracks were beginning to show. A disappointment in your eyes, that you clearly didn't notice. A certain stiffness around me. Signs that this wasn't you. This wasn't the girl I fell in love with.

This revelation destroyed me. Fighting the witches lost purpose, so I began to falter. I held back those around me and faltered. It would only be a matter of time before a witch got the better of me. But I didn't care. By now I knew, you didn't truly love me. It was all a shame, a fake, a fraud. If not for my wish, none of it would have ever happened. The mere thought sent me spiraling. I had you, but I would never really have you.

Could it be as easy as letting you go? I couldn't break up with you. I couldn't let you go now that I had you, but knowing that this wasn't your choice, I didn't even know if you could leave. What if I tried to break up with you and it failed, and I hurt you even more? I could never deal with that.

But I could only live the lie so long. We were perfect together, but the cracks would shatter eventually. I just couldn't do this to the girl I loved.

It was hard, but I gave you up. We shared our tears, both certain in our love for each other, but I could never explain why to give you the proper piece of heart to move on. I should have done more, broken your heart further to ensure the weight of my wish and the malaise of your curse would die off. But I couldn't. I couldn't ever hurt you.

We broke up and you moved on and you got back together with him. I was alone again. It was as things had ever been.

But you were saved and I was damned. I knew that forsaking my wish wouldn't free me from the contract. In fact, I counted on it. Without you in my life, fighting angels was all I had to live for. If it killed me, so be it. It's what I deserve, for what I did to you.

You're moving on. I can never move on. The weight of what I did to you will never pass in my mind. I'm so sorry, but my apology is worthless. No penance can get you that time back or go back on our time together. I can't repair your broken heart.

Maybe you still love me. The contract promised eternal love. 

I still love you. I feel like I always will.

You were perfect for me in every possible way. The first girl I loved. I went to hell for you and I can never come back. Maybe it would be best if some witch killed me. Maybe that will undo the curse. Or if I disappeared one day, you would have no choice to move on. Both better than sitting in class mere feet apart, exchanging mournful glances between the two of us.

You miss me.

I regret what I did.

You were my perfect girl.

I was your imperfect girl.

**Author's Note:**

> i finished femslash february!
> 
> wrote this in an hour after trying and failing to think of a better idea until inspiration hit. might be my favorite fic from this month. certainly up there
> 
> i know i got details of Rika's backstory wrong here but i prefer it this way


End file.
